Life's school of reality

It's really been a while since I've written on here! But... since it always seemed easier to blog on here than myspace where my whole graduating class has access to my thoughts, I'm coming back around to writing on here again. haha.

It's crazy what three years can do... This last sunday my "little" sisters graduated High School.  A few days before that I was sitting @ their last choir concert, next to my walking partner from grad, talking about how we couldn't believe 3 years had gone by since we were up on that stage... singing our last concert w/ the choir & sobbing uncontrolably.  Looking up @ all the seniors it was so scary to realize that our "little freshman" from our senior year were going off to college, working on starting lives for themselves... and that in 3 short years WE had already made the vast leap into "adulthood". 

Neither of us would really call ourselves adults. We don't FEEL adult, we're still the scared little girls who sat there @ grad & thought, are we really ready for this?... Although according to the world, we ARE adults.  Although it seems like yesterday we were sitting in spanish class goofing off... Both of us have graduated college, she is a massage therapist, I am a nurse in a dr's office...We have friends who are teachers, cops, firefighters, & stay at home moms.  The "singles" crowd of our friends that used to be so huge has now given way to too many weddings each year to count, & even more babies. We've gone through life experiences that have taught us how to cope w/ the "real" world & move on from blows that throw you on your face so hard you can barely breathe... We've gone through the losses of close friends, the scare of her dad undergoing chemo, the strains of how the world has shaped us into who we are now & learning how to adjust...she is now married, I'm on my way to becoming a mommy... The world says we are adults, but it's so hard to believe.  How is it that so much can change so fast?  In our eyes, we're still little girls... When will i be able to look at my life and feel comfortable w/ the idea of being an adult? When will i FEEL like one?  Is there ever a time when suddenly everything clicks & you feel like you've "grown up"???

Although it doesn't feel like I've really learned anything in the past few years, I'm already finding that valuable lessons have stuck w/ me.  Yes, I have a college degree... I have the medical knowledge to perform my job... but those aren't really the lessons that teach you how to live.  Is it that maturity comes from the lessons life teaches you?

...I've learned that no matter how much you love, or how hard you try to make a relationship work, if the other person doesn't have the drive it just WON'T.  No matter how many times you try to fix the "broken" parts, they won't fully fix... and that sometimes there's a reason for the brokenness.  That sometimes you just aren't the person to mend the wounds.  Someone else will come & will have the knowledge to take over where you left off & will do a far better job... and if you really love that person, you'll let them find someone who will GIVE them the drive to fight... and in time someone will come along who will be willing to fight for me...

...I've learned that time changes people.  There may have been a time when someone was your best friend... You may have been able to confide in them, listen to their worries, laugh, cry, look to the future with hope... But life & time change people.  Some for the better, some for the worse.  Sometimes, no matter how hard it is to let go of who they were & what you two had, it's for the best to just walk away. Although I've had to learn this lesson a million times over in this short span of time, there's one person that will always embody this lesson for me. I wish I had been smart enough to walk  long before I did, but this, like many others, was a trial & error lesson... The lesson is learned, and if i look past the bloody mess, I'll see that I'm going to receive a result that will be beautiful & wonderful... but the scars are still in the process of being made.  I could fall to my knees & cry over it, and trust me, I have!  Or I can stand up, be strong, use the support of my friends & family, and see the "beauty in the breakdown" and go on living...

... I've learned how precious life really is.  I've seen births & deaths. I've seen friends fight for their life while undergoing chemo.  I've spoken with friends in Iraq hours before they were killed by IEDs.  Just two weeks ago my cousin's daughter was stillborn & brought back to life, she's a mirical that I'll never stop cherishing.  I have family members who are medically deteriorating, the reality that they may not be here much longer is looming and it's a scary thought.  There's nothing I can do about the reality that everyone will die, that's the one thing we all have in common.  So I guess the key is to never let the people you love think otherwise. Still working on that lesson, doubt I'll ever stop...

I've learned that although only having a few true friends can be boring sometimes, it makes life a lot easier than having dozens of friends who will turn their back in an instant.  Heaven knows I've had my share of back-stabbing, unfortunatly I found out WHO my real friends were through this process.  But one thing I realized is that the people who are still there are the ones who I've never doubted...

I'm sure this all sounds weird coming from a 21 year old... Hey, I said myself that I DON'T feel like an adult.  Yes, there have been experiences that have taught me life lessons, but I still feel like I'm just some kid who's still wet behind the ears & is trying to grasp the concept of what it means to grow up.  Is it having a college degree & working in the "adult" world?  Is it taking responsibility for your actions no matter what?  Is it learning to let go of the things that weigh you down?  Or trying your best to do whatever is needed by a friend in a time of need? If so... why don't I feel like I'm there?

Currently Listening A Fever You Can't Sweat Out By Panic! At The Disco see related

howdy!

 Yeah... it's been a while since I've posted... but life just seems no never stop coming full force. eh?

Just found out last night that I will be switching work schedules from 9 pm - 9 am for 12 days strait, w/ every other weekend off.... I now will have EVERY weekend off.   This is more of a blessing than I could EVER say!  As "young and spunky" as I am... The work was starting to get to me. haha.

A few weeks ago my car decided that it was going to try to die on me... Well, as of right now it's sitting outside w/ a broken timing belt and NUMEROUS other problems... Probably going to cost more than it's worth to fix, so alas... Looks like Kiera has to do car hunting.  As much as I love my lil wagon, I think it's time to say my farewells and let it pass into car heaven. haha.

I have been asked by a good friend of mine to be a bridesmaid in her wedding... I'm SO psyched and honored to be included in Sabby's wedding...and couldn't be happier for her.  I'm also happy w/ the dress that she has picked out for us bridesmaids... Altho, in the pic none of the dresses match (the joys of trying to find your size @ davids bridal! NONE of the colors match... but at least we know how it fits) but we will be buying our dresses in October.  They're going to be a color called "oasis" (in the pro pic on the left)... It looks QUITE nice on all of us! hehe. 

Also, this weekend is going to be QUITE hectic... Not really the weekend of rest that I need, but it's ok... In about an hour I'm heading to my friend's house to be her first paying client since she graduated from massage school.  I know, SUCH a burden! haha.  After that I'm taking her out to Chinese for a birthday lunch (*She turned 20 on thursday but I couldn't make it over due to work*)... THEN...Mom, Dad, the Twins & Me are going to my Aunt Corks house... My cousin Emma is turing 18!!!! My lil Emmie!!! CRAZY! So, tonight Rachel, Emma, Randi & Me are all heading to a concert @ the club that they work at... and tomorrow we will be celebrating Emma's 18th.

Ah, how they grow... She's only two years younger than me, but it seems like just yesterday that Rachel & Me were bullying Emma and telling her to go play w/ the BABIES (twins)...  Now she's growing up, becoming SO STINKIN BEAUTIFUL both inside & out... She's looking more and more like Uncle Mike every day but AH! she has SO much of her Mommy's strong will and determination in her... I think that she will do GREAT once she graduates from High School... Can't wait to see where she goes in life!  I've been able to talk to her quite a bit over the past year and we're FINALLY becoming the friends that we should have been all along... it's amazing how much we really do have in common... I'm grateful that Emma doesn't hold it against me that her sis & me were so cruel to her.  Looking back, I wouldn't have wanted to be my friend if I had done all those things to me (did that even make sense?)...Guess that's childhood stupidity for ya, eh?

Can't think of many other things that are going on... but I'll be sure to keep all of you a little more informed. lol.  I'll do my best to not slack w/ this again, after all... I DO have pretty much all night @ work to be posting... so why not? right?

Hope you all are doing well!

Hasta la see ya!

More Random-ness @ Work...

Looks like it’s another “ramblings” night @ work!  So far I’ve watched a couple episodes of “Firefly”; watched “St. Elmo’s Fire,” ate my Chinese I brought for “dinner,” and texted my little fingers off w/ some friends… and it’s only 2:50.  I’m not really in the mood to read my psych book right now, that can wait for a lil while till my monster kicks in and I’m a lil more awake.  So… looks like I get to do random journaling again. WOOT!  Don’t worry, I don’t expect a response to any of this… it’s purely my venting that u can choose to read if you wish…

[2:51]- (***WARNING: Only read this part of the blog if you are emotionally ready for an extended period of intense estrogen-induced venting***)

 So… pretty much, I decided that I’m giving up on the whole love scene!  Seriously, it is really worth it to put your heart out there for someone to ever so gently scoop it up, lead you on for however long and then throws it onto the ground when being w/ you isn’t convenient anymore???  I just don’t understand.  You can put all your heart into a relationship, try to make it work SO hard, think that the other person is doing the same, and then see how horribly wrong you were once everything is said and done.  For a while I thought that I was the only one I know who was this bitter about relationships… From talking w/ some friends I’m realizing that I’m not… it’s a common thing…and that makes it all the worse.  As I said to one friend tonight; I need to come up w/a 12 step program to “kick the habit” of dating… Just think if I could actually figure out a fool-proof way to do that, I could cash in BIG time… That could my claim to fame in the psychology field; “the woman who found the cure to a broken heart!”  I could do more studies, figure out what steps are common to helping get over a relationship, find common steps from other programs and make the similarities into a program! Yeah, I know… good luck, eh?  If only it were that easy.  Still, I don’t understand what keeps us moving from relationship to relationship thinking that there is someone better out there that won’t trample on our hearts… thinking that “maybe this next person will value my emotions enough to let me down easy if things just aren’t working out”…

Why do we invest so much of our time, energy and emotions in a PERSON??? Think about it, the FIRST people were a product of God… he breathed life into them… They were as close as anyone can humanly get to God!  Even with that closeness, Eve was weak enough to listen to the serpent, and Adam was naïve enough to listen to his woman and believe that since she was his partner, she wouldn’t have him do something that wasn’t good… We’re numerous generations later, morally going down the toilet, progressing more into the age of  the philosophy of “what feels right IS right,” and we’re falling for the same thing more than ever!  We believe that this PERSON is enough to validate us.  We believe that his MORTAL being is the one that will forever make us happy.  And we’re so surprised when we’re let down so horribly.  I know that all my life I’ve been taught that “God is the only road to happiness” and then in early teens “No guy will ever be enough to fulfill what you’re longing for… only God can.”  “God should be your focus and your husband should fill the role of your “partner” to help you, not to complete.”  But it’s taken me falling flat on my face and getting pretty bruised and broken on the way down to figure out how horribly true this is.

Yes, I know there are some of you out there who don’t believe in this… and don’t agree… But truthfully, I don’t see how anyone could deny this.  Whether you believe in God/a higher power or not, you can’t deny the fact that no person will ever make you happy… there is always some void.  I’m sick of that void.  For me, I know that only God can fill that… and I plan on filling that void that I’ve chosen to leave empty for so long. Now for the HOW…

It’s really taken me a while to get to the conclusion I’m at… All my boyfriends were Christians, they came from great families, they were loving guys, some were less than perfect gentlemen, but I let that slide… To me, if a guy liked me and was a Christian, that was enough criteria because “who knows if anyone else will come along that likes me, and I’m STILL equally yoked!”  I spent too many years just going on the notion that I’m a second-hand girl that no one would ever love without some coaxing.  Low self-esteem and letting certain peoples views of me became the booming voices in my head that designated my personal self worth.  Others may have seen it, but I didn’t.  I’m now realizing how great I truly am, what a wonderful woman I can be in Christ, and that I really do deserve the best.  I’m learning that just because a guy likes me doesn’t mean I have to date him.  For now, I think its best that I just DON’T date anyone, no matter how “deserving” they are.  

I think my first step of the twelve is going to be to find my self worth… I seem to be doing a pretty good job of it so far but I know it isn’t going to be enough to carry me through if I get involved w/ someone.  Just in this past week I’ve realized that I really don’t need a guy to make me happy.  For as long as I can remember, I wanted a guy so I could feel loved, complete, be held, know someone was there for me that truly cared about me.  The thing is, those people were already in my life and were already giving those emotions readily… If I really need a guy to talk to, Adam’s my man… He has been for quite some time.  If I need a guy to give me a hug when I’m feeling down, I can always go to Mike or BJ.  I have close friends and family that love me regardless of how many times I mess up.  Yeah, I don’t have anyone to give me that lovey-dovey physical stuff, but I don’t need that right now. 

So, my first step toward not dating is to make myself realize how much I really am worth and to restore my foundation in Christ.  Without these two factors, there will never be healthy relationships… and eventually I’d really like to be able to have a relationship that I can count on to not end when things get rough… I’d like to find a man that will love me regardless of how many times I mess up.  I’d like that man to be the one I marry, have children with, and grow old with.  I would like nothing more than to sit out on our front porch drinking iced tea, talking about our grandchildren, and watching the sun set when we’re old.  But in order to get there, I need to mend my bonds with the first “man” in my life.  Without him I won’t have the padding on the walls for when I go crazy.  I won’t have the reserve fuel can for when I get deserted in confusion, anger and loneliness… I need that solid foundation back, and guys are just going to have to wait until I AM solidly planted where I need to be… and I know the one who I’m looking for WILL wait for me to find who I need to be… maybe that’s how I’ll know who he is. 

I truly do feel bad for whoever is next in line; he’s really going to have his work cut out for him.  Right now I really am cynical about relationships.  A friend of mine recently got engaged; when she told me my initial feeling was intense excitement and happiness for them… what I didn’t tell her was that my first thought was “I really hope he doesn’t break her heart, break the engagement, or worse… divorce her later on.”  I look at couples walking down the street and think to myself “I wonder how long before they end in disaster?”  My little sister tells me cute things that her boyfriend says to her and where they would have been adorable to me a few months ago, I find nothing cute about them… I just wonder whether he is lying to her or not.  The truth goes for the girls in the relationships too; I know fully well that girls are even more viscous than guys and that they are even better manipulators.  I’ve seen too many of my girl friends break guys hearts to believe the opposite; hell, I’VE done it! I just don’t know how to get over this bitterness and let myself feel mushy things again.  Part of me wants to, but another part of me feels like if I let myself feel I’ll just be let down again. 

Wow, that was a long rant!  It really helped me to realize things tho…Just some food for thought I guess.

[3:50]- I don’t think I can say this enough but… monsters are FREAKIN awesome.

[3:51]- Raspberry, almond mocha’s are VERY nice also!

[3:51: 1/2]- On the same subject; I think/know I’m officially addicted to caffeine.  By addicted I mean A-D-D-I-C-T-E-D...  After I woke up this morning/afternoon I ate some cereal instead of getting my “morning” coffee… I noticed that I started to get a headache, I got all jittery, everything was irritating me and light was just too bright… it was like I was in sensory overload.  I thought I was getting another migraine, then I had my “morning-ly” cup-o-coffee and it seemed to go away gradually.  I drank a Dr Pepper and everything was A-OK.  Yeah, pathetic I know… but what can I say?  It’s an addiction that helps me stay awake through work @ night!  Still, it’s a lil sad, I should probably try cutting down a bit… This can’t be healthy for me.

[4:05]-  Do feet ever look weird to you?  Seriously, if you look at them enough, they actually start to look odd… also, I found out that when you lose weight like Olita did and you’re skin and bones, your feet still stay the same size and it looks sorta like cartoon feet on a stick figure… Just a random thought.

 [4:15]-  Apple Pie is REALLY good… I think I shall eat my fruit pie I brought… Yes, indeed I will!

[4:30]- So… one of the Riley’s neighbors has a rooster… I’ve been able to live w/ it for the duration of my time here since I started… but tonight is different.  It usually starts crowing around 4:30 or so and only does it about twice in a half hour… NO, tonight it started up around 1… That’s 5 ½ hrs so far of “ca roo re roo roo!!” every few seconds… and I still have 1 ½ hrs to go!  It would be one thing if it sounded pretty or at least NORMAL, but this is the most tone deaf rooster I’ve ever heard! I wonder if roosters make good chicken sandwiches.  hmmm…

[5:39]- Just took a break from my psych book and was proof-reading this and discovered the synonyms option in the right-click menu… and am having QUITE a lot of fun playing with it… I could really expand my vocabulary more with that. ; D… Maybe bug my friends w/ bigger words! Ya know, this would have been SO useful in, oh I don’t know… HIGH SCHOOL… or EXPOSITORY WRITING this last year!?!  Wow, aren’t I observant??

[6:25] It’s funny how reading about eating disorders makes ya feel stupid for having had one yourself… It puts it into context and I’m thinking “how did I ever do that?!?”  Seriously, it sounds so stupid NOW and looking back, I have NO IDEA how I gave up food!  Food is my friend!  I LOVE food!  Just makes ya see how powerful the desire to “look good” can be… weird.

Also… WOOTNESS for having a half hour of work left!

[6:45]- GONE! like yest-er-day is GONE! like his-to-ry is GONE! just try to prove-me- WRONG! you’re going...going… GONE! like sum-mer break is GONE! like Sat-ur-day is GONE! just try to prove-me- WRONG! you pre-tend like your IM-OR-TAL!!!!!!                                            Just had to share that w/ ya.

I’m off like a dirty shirt… Hasta la bye bye!

Currently Listening Beauty from Pain By Superchick bowling ball see related

Cuteness!

Still need help!

OK... I already posted this on July 17th but I'm re-posting this in hopes that I will get more of a response this time... Part of the question somehow got cut out originally so here goes again...

PLEASE, if you could just take the time to answer this really quick. Please do!  And if you have ANY friends AT ALL that are willing to help... Please have them stop by! I need a lot more responses before I can finish my study...

(ORIGINAL POST)

"I'm a psych major and I'm doing a study as to how the media's view of the "perfect mate" differs/relates to realistic qualities that one values & looks for.  What traits do YOU feel are important in a life mate? Don't be afraid to be completely honest... That's exactly what I need!"